| Side note: It only took me about 5 minutes or so to figure out how to post a fucking entry.
What do you do when the one person you want..doesn't want you? I haven't written in a long time; I have my reasons. I just realized I rather be alone because that way I can't hurt anyone. I wonder if that's how he feels. I seriously doubt it. He doesn't care that much. I want to be a writer. Problem is I think I write horribly. I ramble too much. I want to write the next big novel, without it turning into a whole HARRY POTTER/TWIGHT saga. I wish only one true reader would pick up and adore it and yet still wanna manage to make a living out of it. I try to embrace my tough times. Most of it is emotional, not economical. I take his bullshit because one day I plan on using it when creating one of my main characters.
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| Day One.
You deserve a great guy.
Don't settle for anything less.
..And now I kiss you good night.
I'm going to buy a diary to replace you with. That probably sounds terrible. What I meant to say is instead of contacting you I will write in it. You said it's good to write things down, to get them out and not have to say them. Except now I'm wondering what's the point of our friendship then.
Why can't you just be happy being single?
Because I miss being with someone.
What? You think I don't? But I don't just settle for anyone.
You're right. He isn't worth my time. Seriously I deserve better. So fuck you Jay.
So now I'm going to try being single. Because as always, I follow your advice. But the thing is I'm realizing that without trying I have been keeping myself single. And I guess it was always for you. But really it's time to be picky. I'm not the same person I used to be. I know what I want now.
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| Dear ,
You are such a dick. I can't stand to have you in my head anymore. You
think that just by getting me an awesome gift that I will just forget
everything and be content? What am I a little kid? Well guess what. I'm
trying real fucking hard to not smash it into tiny pieces. Only reason
I don't do it is because in spite of all, I love it. I don't understand
how you can call yourself a good friend of
mine. How you can DARE say you wish to continue being my best friend.
I'm beginning to think that every single word that's come out of your
mouth had been a lie. All I've needed from you is like 5 minutes. Five
minutes of your awesome life. I've just been needing to talk to you. An
IM, a call, a text, whatever. I have so much shit going on in my life
and you...all you worry about is what's the next game you're going to
play. Countless times have you told me you would "always be there for
me". But never have you really promised...until Thursday. So this is
when I realize that I have had it. I will not stand for a person to
look me straight in the eyes and make me a promise..only to break it.
Not even a freaking call to tell me why. I just don't understand how
you can possibly treat me this way. You know how much I care about you.
Is it because that chick doesn't like you back? Do you feel the need to
treat me badly in return? The funny thing is you don't dare treat me
that way when I'm in front of you. It's like...you want to have me on
reserve just in case ONE DAY you feel like getting back together. I
think back to the last few times we were intimate..It almost disgusts
me. After I'm with you, you just send me on my way like some fucking
whore. And I'M the stupid one for still coming back. You've told me
about how badly you've been hurt..I just can't see why you would do it
to me.I hate how you affect me. My moods, they're terrible. And they
affect people around me too. Believe me Lord, if I could choose whom to
have these feelings for..it would not be you. It would not have been
you for like the past 5 months. And now..now that I've found a possible
great guy..I don't want to let him in. I don't want to talk to him
because I'm afraid..that he'll turn out like you.
And after it all..the sad thing is I will probably always forgive you.
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| You're not excited. What do you really want? Burn off the fog of the
past. Dump emotional baggage. Everything's better when it's lighter. |
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| Once wild horses couldn't drag you away. Now any offer looks like a
better offer. Don't sell yourself short. You're far too good for that. |
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